New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
