Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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