I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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