new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
