Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
