She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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