I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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