my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
