never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Farmville is her only friend.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
being pregnant is like rehab
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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