She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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