Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
