I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
