Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
