It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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