I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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