So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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