Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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