I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
