whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
