I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
