My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
