so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
