I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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