Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
