Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
