I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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