By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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