Someone shit on the floor
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
