Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
