I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
