Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
there is puke in my bra ... again
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
