I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
