Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
