this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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