sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
