Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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