I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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