Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
