I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Blood and glitter go together right?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
