can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
