I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
