I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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