and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
