Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
