the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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