I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
