so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
