the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
