Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
