yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
